Thursday, September 23, 2010

This is a one-time offer (2 year contract required)

After sitting around my house — waiting.... waiting.... waiting.... — preparing myself for the big release party, it's finally here: the Republicans have released their legislative blueprint.

Apparently (and this really sucks) it's not a blueprint at all. Rather, it's a pledge. And my wait isn't quite over, the hardware store/lumber yard unveiling is still a few hours away — just like a child's Christmas morning, isn't it? (I hope our parents are rich!)

Now, it seems that the Republicans are doing the country, all 300 gillion of us, a solid. Ostensibly — assuming I'm following the Repubs correctly — they are convinced that our civilization will collapse relatively soon (sometime between the weekend and... Groundhog Day?) and it would behoove us all to get off the government teat and start sharpening our survival skills. I dig this. This is smart, it's like the whole of the Republican party is thinking like Dmitry Orlov.

Do you, my beautiful readers, remember when some Republican candidate woman (this was maybe a year ago?) suggested that we all start bartering/trading goods and services in exchange for medical care? And all the Dems laughed, and laughed, and laughed ("What a loon! Money is the only thing of value — forever!" those silly shitbags seemed to say). That was good — although perhaps not "practical" — advice, was it not? And now that they're releasing policy plans at lumber yards I can only assume that they're encouraging us all to pick up a few 2x4s and a couple of hand tools to help nurture another important skill we'll all soon need: shelter construction (again, and I'm quite serious — as always — this is smart and wise and good).

Anyway, here's to survival skills! Thanks Republicans, the Dems never have the guts to prepare us for our new society.


  1. Haha, this post showed up in my reader immediately after Shakesville's on the same topic. Yours is way better.

  2. I had never read this Shakesville before; I checked it out for a few minutes.

    While I agree — I win! (thank you gentlemen) — the woman I bested spent part of her morning expressing how she felt "sick" and "devastated" that Jodie Foster (the famous actor) would agree to perform the role of "actor" in a new Roman Polanski movie. She found this to be worthy of outrage because, you know, Jodie Foster once performed the role of a "rape survivor" in some movie and blahhhh... I want my favorite celebrities to do what I want them to do! (that's actually what she wrote about, this is not a make-it-up.)

    So — unlike the time I won a game of Connect Four against my autistic neighbor (he has the stereotypical "good at puzzles and shit" skill set) — this win ain't gonna bloat my ego.