Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Seeking Omnipotence

I was disappointed to read that the Gorgon Stare — the Air Force's version of the Eye of Sauron — doesn't work. Surely, it was always not going to work — Frere IOZ had a distinctly amusing take:
The plan seems to be to help find some needles by adding more hay.
But, even the hay-maker isn't producing. Which led the Air Force's top thinkers to ask the Big Man: How do you see everything?

God: Well, what I do is a pretty neat trick... I operate outside of time.

Air Force: Like... slow motion?

God: No-no-no, that's still time, just slowed down. I don't even have to deal with time.

Air Force: ....

God: You're confused?

Air Force: Umm... no, I follow you. Go ahead.

God: Are you sure... because, my sources suggest that humans really struggle with the idea of a timeless existence.

Air Force: Yeah-yeah, sure... It is a bit tricky to grasp, but we understand.

God: I'm not sure you do.

Air Force: No, we do.

God: Promise me then. Promise that you understand how my existence outside of time allows me to see everything.

Air Force: (a gulp, perspiration) Ummm, is there a penalty for lying?

God: Maybe... (stands up, taller than expected)

Air Force: Okay, I'm starting to think this was a bad idea... you seem, uh, angry...

God: ... angry? How, exactly, would a timeless entity experience such an emotion?

Air Force: I feel really stupid. I shouldn't be here. Should I?

God: Are you familiar with the Tower of Babel?

Air Force: (tempted to say no...) I, uh, believe I know that story... yes.

God: Any idea why I mentioned it?

Air Force: You're not going to help us with our Gorgon Stare... are you?

God: (long pause — not from God's perspective, of course) Who is building this machine?

Air Force: A firm by the name of Sierra Nevada. Not the beer. They, uh, might be fucking us on this one. We sorta think that they know what's wrong with the system, but are holding back the fix... you know, to bleed us for more money. You don't, uh, know anything about that, would you?

God: ....

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