Muslim? Is that like a Methodist?

They believe in what? Not Jesus? You're kidding. Who told you this? Well, do they have a book where they wrote all of this down? It's probably, you know, one of dem' chapter books... is there a movie, like The Passion? What about their clothing? Huh? You can't just wear pants and sweatshirts then? Oh, you can? Well sure, I just think they're really comfortable...

I've found myself unhappily aware of a few thousand newsy articles (I won't link them, so you really can't trust me in any way on this one) about why there is so much Islamophobia in Uh-mare-eek-a.

Now, as usual, I don't "know things" about Islam, but let me say this before you return to Craigslist to shop for a new rug, or whatever: the people who are afraid of Islam probably (fuck it, certainly) don't know many American Muslims because, if they did, they'd realize American Muslims... well, what are they? Now — to my chagrin — I happen to know a bunch of Muslims (most relatively recent transplants from Northeast Africa) and they are all terrorists, just as I expected, and they all ride those damn camels around the neighborhood and it creates quite a stir especially when I'm helping the old ladies into their Lincoln sedans after church on Sunday and the tired joke goes on. But, actually, they are hilariously similar to my not-wealthy friends and associates of Christian and/or Jewish descent (not a shock, is it), which is to say: they have vague and altogether silly ideas about what their religion/social club is all about but what is really important is their job-kids-porn-when dinner will be ready-football-what their cell phone can and can't do-and why the hell is this month's electric bill twice! as much as last month?!-etcetera. I have not associated with or even observed Muslims in their motherland, so I can't make any sweeping generalities about them, but the ones that are in the USA are as American as Chlada Fakya Pie and Chevrolet. Our culture (whatever it is) can and will devour and reshape whatever and whomever it ensnares. We're too distracted to read holy books.

The consequence of being born into a social club is: we can not think about it from the purview of an outsider (it's like The Truman Show!!). And we don't really give a shit about it unless we feel our vague and silly ideas — of which we don't know or think about — are under attack. We don't like that. This is what generates get em!! propaganda, I suppose. It's like our Mommas or our taste in beach footwear: you don't want anyone to raise any doubt or questions, but you're not exactly writing a book on the subject either. Now, I'm not saying this is "T"rue of any or all Muslims, I just made it up based on years of anecdotal evidence (a favorite oxymoron of mine).

I've also heard friends and internet personalities call for a (paraphrasing, in quotes) "calm, clear, and thoughtful discussion about the similarities and differences between the major religions." Now, what doesn't shock me is that, I'm pretty sure, that calm, clear and thoughtful discussion is supposed to be happening on television. (Yes, I know, the tee vee doesn't like to do calm or thoughtful, you might be saying out loud to nobody in particular.) God knows we couldn't have that chat on our own, at home or at the community center with, you know, the Muslim friends we don't have during the free time that we also don't seem to have.

Here's what we (who am I including here?) do about Muslims in America: ignore them. Let them do their thing. Now, when I say ignore I certainly don't mean shun, just keep your nose out of their business. They'll probably appreciate the gesture and decide not to ram an explosive laden John Deere into your house when the time for house blowing-up inevitably arrives.

Remember folks, men created these religions. And Man is both strident and fickle, both muderering and loving — we will all just have to deal with that, you know, as we go.