(you are already prepared for) The Meaning of Life

Many have tried to reduce The Meaning of Life to a quotable (and ideally patentable) phrase or two, and in trying they did... they did... you know, something.

I — in just a moment — will render all past attempts meaningless, phony, incomplete.

You are ready? Yes. I am ready? Yes. Here we go:

The Meaning of Life, stated simply, is to: Prove Your Worth to All Those BETTER Than You!

Already Done, just follow the plan

Thankfully, our betters have already put the test in place. You and I, She and He, we're all taking the Meaning of Life test... today, yesterday, and tomorrow. Let's check the scorecard.

Will I prove to my betters that I know how to be a "team-player"? You're god damn right I will! I've played for TEAM "US against THEM" since high school, where I learned to mercilessly crush my opponent on the ball field!

Will I prove that I ignore my body, and that external measures like clocks and feed-times are how I prefer to sleep and eat? Just look at me, do I look like someone who listens to their body (farts, from years of blindly eating that which disagrees with them)? Look at these bags under my eyes! Do I look 50? God damn right I do... you'll be pleased to know, I'm barely 34 years old. I'm going to milk this body for every penny it can squeeze!

Will I prove to them that I know how to "carry myself"... just as everybody else? Here are my receipts from clothing stores found in every city in the land — and look, I used a major bank card. I walked past a homeless person this morning and didn't even — not for a moment — stop thinking about my career goals. And... I'm fucking green baby, as we speak, I'm climbing the waiting list for a Nissan Leaf... my Prius is going in the fucking trash can!

Will I prove that the I don't enjoy the drugs that my betters find un-fit for the masses? Here's my piss, my hair, and you can even take a lap around my asshole if you like... whatever you need! I'm drug-free! Now pass the slave-made sugar and coffee, I have some papers (with abstract figures representing the lives of plants and animlas) to push around.

Will I prove that I have no spine whatsoever, and no matter what piece of shit new deal comes my way, I'll accept it? A certain nothing is always better than an uncertain something... that's my mantra! Let's keep going, for King and Country!

And ladies, don't forget to smile, makes the boys feel better.